Assisted Dying in Aotearoa NZ
When someone you love tells you they have chosen assisted dying, the room can go very quiet. Even if you respect their decision, your heart may take longer to catch up.
In Aotearoa New Zealand, assisted dying is a legal health service for people who meet the strict eligibility criteria. This post is informational only, not medical or legal advice. The practical and emotional work around it is deeply human: listening well, planning early, supporting the care team, and helping someone die in the way they have chosen.
I have supported and been present for this choice twice. I have also had two dying people close to me leave the planning too late. Those experiences shaped one clear belief: planning for assisted dying needs time.
Remember, this is their choice
The first task is to accept that the decision belongs to the dying person.
Our loved one may choose assisted dying because their suffering feels unbearable, because their illness has taken too much, or because they want some say over how their final days unfold. They may have thought about it for months before they say it out loud.
A helpful first response can be simple:
“I want to understand what matters most to you now.”
That does not mean pretending you are fine. It means giving them space.
When supporting end-of-life choice, love often sounds like curiosity rather than persuasion. Ask what they want. Ask what they need from you.
We should not be adding our own grief, fear, faith, anger, or questions. Those feelings need somewhere to go, but not all at once, and usually not in front of the person who is dying.
Remember, this is their dying journey and will have a lot to work through.
For more tips, see my previous blog - end of life care at home: Click here to read
Talk early
Hard situations were not hard because the person had chosen assisted dying. But it was hard because the planning started too late.
When someone is already exhausted or close to death, decisions become rushed.
For Dad, the documents he needed couldn't be found. That meant he couldn't apply. For my uncle, the time it took for the process meant he died before assisted dying could take place.
Early planning does not make death come faster. It makes care clearer.
Useful conversations include:
Who they want to be present at the end
Who they do not want present
Where do they want to die
What would you like us to do for you
Medical and legal steps
The end-of-life choice process in NZ has formal steps, assessments, and safeguards. The health professionals involved will explain eligibility, consent, timing, and what happens if the person changes their mind.
This photo was taken earlier in Esther's cancer journey. Here is a Sunday article my friend Esther Richards was involved in before her death. Click to watch: Watch here
Esther was a strong advocate for the End of Life Choice Bill, which became law in 2021.
Esther was the first person I supported who chose assisted dying. And was there on the day of her death, and I still miss her.
Make space for grief before the death
One of the strange things about assisted dying is that grief can begin while the person is still alive and still talking to you.
There may be a known date. There may be final visits. There may be ordinary cups of tea that feel impossibly precious. This can feel both gentle and brutal.
Let the dying person lead. Some people want deep conversations. Some want humour. Some want practical jobs done. Some want to watch rugby, play a game, eat ice cream, or rest with someone nearby.
After death
How people speak, act, and care afterwards matters too. Follow the person’s wishes where possible. Protect the story.
Assisted dying can bring strong opinions from people outside the closest circle. The dying person’s choice does not need to become public property. Share only what they wanted shared.
A peaceful death can still leave grief. Relief can sit beside sadness. Respect for the choice can sit beside longing for more time.
I hope you've found this post helpful. You are welcome to share with me your story or emotion that has come up for you from reading this post.
You can email me at kiaora@michellepeat.co.nz
Aroha nui Michelle
My previous blogs on death and dying - click on the link below to read more
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