When your abuser dies

I often wonder how different me and my daughters would have been if I had stayed. But I know that would have been impossible. My big motivator in the moment was a deep knowing that when he woke up, he would finish me off. So I gathered up my babies and crept out into the night.

That was 28 years ago, and this week I heard that he, husband number one, has died.

I remember not long before I left, I bent down and lifted a washed cloth nappy out from the basket to hang on the line. The sun sparkled edging every blade of grass and turning the hydrangea bush into a wild vivid sky blue. It was a moment of clarity.

As the pegged nappy's flicked in the breeze, and I rose to lift the basket onto my hip, I got a glimpse into my internal wellbeing. I saw a void, I was crushed. The real me was gone. And I knew I had to leave.

I phoned Women's Refuge, and after I shared a little of my story, they said I should leave at once. I was very pregnant and it was all too much. But just voicing what was happening to someone else was a first step out of there.

The abuse over the two years we were married was multifaceted; physical, spiritual, sexual, mental and emotional. By the end of it, I was totally dismantled.

28 years is a long time in between then and now. So much wonderful living has happened. And those two babies have grown into two amazing woman and are lights in my life. I would do it all over again if it meant I would have them in my life. So there is that.

During our initial recovery and journey through the justice system here in Aotearoa New Zealand, he received a prison sentence, and the Family Court ordered I have full custody of the children and he to have no contact. We were also given a life long protection order. We were free to move on with our lives. And that's what we did. It took some doing, but we did it.

And now, he is dead. So when your abuser dies, what then?

When I heard he had died, My first response was a sense of relief. And I must admit, the thought he was no longer in this world, has made me smile a number of times. And I don't feel bad about that.

Just because he's dead, it doesn't mean the impacts of his actions magically disappears. There is a number of us who have had to find a way of living with the impact of what he did. And that includes my children.

There is the impact that fatherlessness has had on their lives, and a cultural side of their lives they missed out on. And even though we didn't have anything to do with him over the years, there still sits that connection through blood. There has been a lot of tricky stuff to navigate over the years.

I know we are all going to have different responses to news like this. I wanted to share with you mine. And I'd love to hear how you felt when you heard your abuser had died. Please feel free to leave me a comment.

Sending out much love and life to those of us who are in the middle of leaving, still there, or long time survivors. Kia kaha beautiful soul - you too can do this!

Arohanui

Michelle x

Checkout my website for communication tips and encouragement

www.michellepeat.co.nz